My Big, Fat Geek Wedding
by ScorplinginTraining
Summary: Walter recounts his view of his wedding to the love of his life.
1. Chapter 1

MY BIG, FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN:** **I've been cranking out painful, angsty stories since the finale. I think** **I've finally gotten to a place where I can write something a little more light-hearted now. I know this title has been used, but I couldn't resist. It fits our geniuses SO well. This story will be from Wally's POV and I'll be switching back and forth between first person narrative style and the flashbacks will be in third person. As always, reviews let me know if you want to read more. And feel free to throw out your ideas for silly, funny, geeky wedding experiences. If they fit the way I wanna go, I might just use 'em.**

Not much surprises you when you have a 197 IQ. Most things in life can be predicted with a reasonable amount of accuracy.

Or so I thought. That was before I met Paige Dineen. With very little effort, she has become the exception to every one of my rules and has obliterated a lot of my hard and fast foundational principles as well. For someone who likes to remain in control at all times, it was more than a little disconcerting, especially in the beginning of our acquaintance. So I wasted a stupid amount of time resisting her effect on me.

I'll cite some examples to illustrate the many ways I was proven wrong. For instance, prior to Paige, I always thought my sister was the only normal who could ever accept me and love me for who and what I am. After my initial falling out with Cabe, I also thought I'd never let another normal close enough to hurt or betray me again. I was under the mistaken impression romantic love was a fantasy cooked up by propaganda, hormones and brain chemicals. And I thought it was largely reserved for suckers and idiots. Turns out I was both a sucker and an idiot. Because I thought I didn't feel fear or pain like other people… until the day Paige walked out, taking my entire world with her.

But that's all in the past and those experiences are best filed away under 'hard lessons learned'. It will be much more pleasant to talk about the latest torrent of surprises Paige has brought into my life.

You see, it's phenomenal what can happen in a little under a year.

Somehow, someway, with a lot of hard work and forgiveness on all sides, we were able to mend fences and put our team back together. We ended up stronger and more cohesive once we reconciled. We have a new appreciation for one another.

The exact same thing occurred in my relationship with Paige. We actually love each other more now than ever before. Another thing I considered impossible, but I enjoy being wrong in this case.

Anyway, a few months ago, I decided an increase in the level of commitment was required to solidify our relationship and give it the strongest foundation possible. Marriage was the logical next step.

In addition, the very thought of Paige as my wife… Well, let's just say the idea appealed to me in ways that go far beyond any reasoned argument. I would be hers and she would be mine and together with Ralph we would officially, legally be a family in every conceivable way.

No big deal. Thousands of people propose and get married every day. Piece of wedding cake, right?

Wrong again.

oxoxoxoxoxo

"Did you have the ring sized?"

Toby's inquisitive face appeared behind Walter's image in the mirror which the Scorpion leader was using to smooth his already smooth hair and straighten his already straight tie for the eighth time. His gaze met the behaviorist's in the reflection. "Yes. Of course. Why?"

"Well, studies show if the ring doesn't fit when you put it on her finger, her subconscious will tell her the marriage won't be a good 'fit' for her either."

Toby brushed non-existent lint from Walter's shoulders. "That's _if_ she says 'yes' and actually tries the ring on," He muttered under his breath.

Made even more nervous, Walter spun around. His wide eyes met Sylvester's across the room. The mathematician smiled in understanding, after all, he wrote not just one book but the entire library on anxiety. "She's going to say 'yes', Walt. I mean, you _have_ discussed the idea of matrimony with her before. At least in the abstract. Right?"

Walter gulped trying to wet his suddenly dry throat. "I… uh, w-we. Sort of? It's come up once or twice. When we were talking about other people…"

"You jerks need to stop winding him up. If he gets any paler, he's going to pass out," Happy barked. Then she turned to her boss and offered her special brand of encouragement, "Don't listen to these chuckleheads. You got this, O'Brien. She's put up with your crap for years. She's obviously a masochist, because she still appears to like you." The mechanic made a face, "She even claims to love you. There's no accounting for taste, but whatever pumps her brakes…"

"You do remember you were married to him first…" Sylvester reminded her, grinning evilly.

"Oh, shut up. It's not the same situation and you know it. That's like comparing…" The mechanic began.

Her husband interrupted and finished for her, "Fruit punch and a Ferrari engine?"

Walter stumbled over to a chair and collapsed into it. He ran an agitated hand down his face. "What the hell am I thinking? I don't want to ruin what we already have. What if I can't be the kind of husband she needs?"

"No way," Ralph walked over and dropped a reassuring hand on Walter's back, "There's no way you're chickening out. I've been wanting this for years. She _knows_ if she marries you, I'll be happy with it. I mean, if you two get married, you could legally make medical decisions for me and have custody rights and everything…"

"That's right," Sylvester added, "Plus you would have tax incentives and you could receive each other's Social Security benefits. Not to mention sharing a permanent residence would be cheaper…"

Happy butted in, "It would also be less wear and tear on your vehicles if you always share rides. You'd save on gas and your cars would last longer…"

Not to be excluded, Toby spoke up, "Statistics show married couples live longer and keep their mental acuity longer than those who live alone. That's a point in your favor too."

Walter nodded vigorously as if drinking in every word and making a mental list.

Cabe rolled his eyes skyward. "None of which makes a hill of beans to Paige. Son, you aren't going to win her with a long list of logical reasons why being married is financially and legally and statistically better than dating each other."

Walter aimed a fearful look in the older man's direction. "Then what am I supposed to say to convince her to marry me?"

"You need to leave your brain parked at the garage for once. Let your heart tell her why you could never be happy without her."

"Ohhh," Walter breathed. "Good. That's good. I'm going to lead with that…"

oxoxoxoxoxo

In the end, I set the ring on the table and let it do most of the talking for me as I babbled something unintelligible. I _think_ I said I loved her and I wanted to do her taxes and take custody of Ralph and I may have included something about both our hearts and our cars lasting longer than if we stayed single and were only dating.

The fact Paige got what she needed from that disaster of a proposal proves she is truly perfect for an moronic genius like me. To my utter relief, for some unfathomable reason, she said 'yes'.

And the ring fit just right.


	2. Chapter 2

MY BIG, FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN: Happy Friday everyone. Here's Chapter 2. All I can say is, my poor Walter... heeheehee**

 **oxoxoxoxoxo**

We had it all planned.

Paige and I were no longer twenty-somethings with stars in our eyes. Not that I was all that romantic even when I _was_ in my twenties. We decided to address our nuptials like the sensible adults we are.

She and I knew right away we wanted a simple ceremony with family and a few friends present to witness the event. We wanted something more than the austere courthouse ritual I had with Happy but quite a bit less than what Toby originally envisioned for his wedding and is _still_ paying off.

The two of us agreed we needed to be realistic and not go overboard. We had a budget. We had specific objectives.

We didn't have a clue.

The trouble started way back when we began announcing our engagement.

Paige was adamant I should notify my parents right away. She had a fair point. They were highly disappointed to hear about Megan's marriage to Sylvester after the fact.

Telling my parents was the precise moment when it all went sideways.

oxoxoxoxoxo

While Skype was dialing his parents' computer, Walter was secretly hoping they weren't available and the attempt alone would satisfy Paige.

He sincerely wished he could just give them the details via email. It would be so much more efficient and he wouldn't have to make excruciating small talk or listen to his mother emote about it all.

Plus, he could avoid telling them in front of a nosy, genius audience.

But Paige insisted the O'Briens needed to hear the news as soon as possible and it should come in person. When Walter argued that in order for him to announce their engagement to his parents 'in person', he would have to fly to Ireland, she gave him a long-suffering look and told him he had to at least contact them face-to-face via the 'miracle' of the internet.

He didn't want to cause marital strife before they got married, so he complied. If somewhat less than enthusiastically.

He waited for a compatible time for both parties and made the attempt to call them. Unfortunately, when it's seven o'clock in the evening in Ireland, it's eleven o'clock in the morning in California, ensuring the call would have to be made during work hours. Meaning the whole team was present. Meaning any hope of even a somewhat private conversation was laughable.

"I can't wait to see Louise's face!" Sylvester gushed clapping his hands under his chin as he hung over Walter's shoulder staring at the laptop's screen. "She's going to be over-the-moon about this. Her baby boy is getting _married_!"

Walter glared back at him. "I'm surprised you didn't tell them already."

Sly grinned sheepishly, "Well, I may have let them know you have some _big_ news. I couldn't help myself. Sorry." His expression was wholly unrepentant. "I also told them I'd sworn to give you time to tell them yourself."

"It's only been two days."

"Well, a little over forty-one hours by my count. It would've been really hard, but I was going to try to give you another eleven hours at least."

Before Walter could reply, his mother's face pixilated briefly then came into focus on the screen.

"Hello, Walter. And there's Sylvester! Hi, precious boy! It's so good to see you again so soon!" Louise was giving her son-in-law a beaming smile and an enthusiastic wave to go with her warm greeting. Sly jostled Walt to one side and waved back.

It took everything inside Walter to withhold a biting reminder of who exactly was her biological son and who was barely related in a purely legal sense by a very short and unconsummated marriage to their daughter. Suppressing Old Walter's tendencies sometimes took a massive effort. The struggle was real.

"Hello, Mother," He answered stiffly instead.

"Sylvester told us you have news. Let me go get your father." Louise abruptly walked out of view and Walter seized the opportunity to take his laptop up to the loft with the excuse he needed quiet.

The problem was, the loft was no longer his private space. A few weeks after he and Paige got back together, they made the decision to cohabitate and find a new place that was 'theirs'. So the loft quickly morphed into a genius hang-out or a place to take a quick nap or to crash after a late case.

Walter left Sly all but pouting in his disappointment and carried the computer up the stairs only to discover the loft was occupied.

"I'm not wearing that bonnet again, Toby. No way. We did ' _Little House on the Prairie_ ' last night anyway."

The shrink's reply was muffled and indistinguishable. Thank goodness. Hearing Happy's half of the conversation was making Walter wish he'd been born deaf.

"I don't care if Pa Ingalls is randy. Ma isn't in the mood. It's my turn to pick and I want the barbarian tonight."

Another muffled answer, this time with a hint of a whine.

"Yes, I know the animal skins give you a rash on your gooty…"

No. Just no.

Walter's imagination wasn't very vivid, but now he had a mental picture he couldn't easily dislodge and he was finding the whole image more than a little disturbing and uncomfortable especially when he was about to have a conversation with his own Ma and Pa, uh, parents.

In the end, he figured the Airstream was a better option for his purpose.

He settled at the tiny kitchen table as his parents' faces popped onto the screen.

His father gave a gruff nod for a greeting while his mother smiled at him in expectation even as her eyes searched around behind her actual son for Sylvester.

"Well, what's this news then?" Sean asked shortly, "I'm missing Man United. It's the qualifier…"

Louise gave her husband an impatient look. "Don't listen to him, Walter. What is it you'd like to tell us?"

"Paige and I are getting married." Walter figured blunt was best since his father had a football game to get back to.

Both of his parents looked stunned.

"Really?" Sean was giving him a skeptical look. "She's already agreed to it and everything?"

Louise shook herself and looked worried, "Oh, Walter. Did you get her pregnant?"

Insulted, their son answered, unable to hide a scowl or his offended tone. "Yes, she agreed and no, she's not pregnant."

"Oh, well. Isn't that something?" His mother blinked at him, her lip curling slightly as if he'd told her he had a raging case of foot fungus.

"She said 'yes'? Paige? Are you sure?" His father reiterated.

"Of course I'm sure, Dad. I asked her. She said 'yes'. I was there." This whole conversation had Walter questioning if it really was all a dream. Until he reminded himself Paige was the one who'd insisted he call his parents to tell them in the first place.

"She's not Irish Catholic, is she?" Louise asked quietly, her nose wrinkled. At the same time Sean said, "The same Paige we met? The one who was dating that Tim fella?"

The genius in the room wanted to smack his forehead wondering if he should have made his new fiancée call them instead.

Walter sighed. "Paige hasn't seen Tim in over two years. And I have no idea if she's Catholic or not. Why would that matter? I'm not Catholic either."

"Why? Why would she want…" Sean asked again.

Walter interrupted through gritted teeth, "Do you want to explain to me why it's so hard for you to believe someone would want to marry me?"

"Now, Son. It's not like that," his mother said in a tone that was meant to be soothing but was more grating than anything. "Even if she's not Catholic, she is really pretty and sweet. And…Well, you're… you. I mean, even as a baby, you never smiled…"

"Unless you had gas," his dad threw in with a smirk.

"I can see this is getting no where in a hurry. Whether you believe me or not, Paige and I will be getting married six weeks from Saturday. You are welcome to attend to see for yourselves I'm not making it all up."

"What do you mean six weeks?!" Louise asked, looking horrified. Then she started up a stream of babbling almost to herself. "That's not nearly enough time to set everything up. I'll need to make an appointment with the bishop to see if he can do the ceremony anyway even if the bride isn't… you know. Maybe if we have it at a different venue and not at the church. _Oh_! I've got the perfect spot! Do you remember Blackwater Castle? But of course you do, it's right up the road. Oh, my goodness it would be absolutely beautiful and it's available for rent. I bet we could get it cheap because the owner owes us for allowing his visitors to park in our pasture all these years. Oh, yes, I'll need to make some calls…"

" _Mom_!" Walter stopped her, now equally horrified. "What are you talking about? We aren't coming to Ireland. Paige and I are getting married right here at the garage…"

"Nonsense. You aren't about to start your life together in a filthy garage. It just isn't done. And your father and I can't leave the farm to go gallivanting all the way to Los Angeles…"

"Mom, we aren't having the ceremony there. Our home and our friends are all…"

His mother's eyes filled with tears. "You don't want us there, do you?" she sniffled.

His father glared at him. "What's the meaning of this? Look what you've gone and done now. You made your mother cry." Sean placed a comforting arm around his wife's shoulders as she buried her face in his neck and sobbed, "Our own son doesn't want us at his wedding…"

"I never said that." Walter, absolutely confused, tried to avert disaster.

But his father was having none of it, "It's fine. I'm sure Sylvester will tell us all about it." Sean sneered as he patted Louise's back, "If you think about it, mail us a piece of the cake."

With those snide remarks, Sean disconnected.

Leaving his son to wonder what just happened.

Walter attempted several times to call back and explain it better, but his calls went unanswered. He hadn't meant to hurt is mother's feelings or make his father angry. How had he lost control of that encounter so fast?

More than a little perturbed and wondering what Paige was going to say about the whole situation with his parents, Walter tucked the laptop under his arm and opened the door of the RV.

His whole eavesdropping team scattered like roaches in all directions leaving only Paige, standing alone, looking up at him, totally nonplussed.

"Sounds like we're about to get married in a castle in Ireland," She said in a daze.

Small and simple had left the building.


	3. Chapter 3

MY BIG, FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN: Inspiration is a little slower for this story because my mood has to be right to work on it and I'm still struggling with being sad when I think about Scorpion. Anyway, here's the next installment. Hope you enjoy!**

I'd been on my own since my teens, emancipating as soon as I was able. I'd moved as far away from my childhood home as I could possibly manage. It had been many years since I'd asked my parents for anything. I didn't require their opinions and certainly not their permission. After all, I'm a mature, independent adult. I was under the impression they no longer had any authority over me.

It quickly became apparent my impression was incorrect.

Before we were able to voice a single coherent protest, my errant family grabbed our wedding right from under our noses and made it theirs. Paige and I had little to no say in the proceedings.

It was all very baffling. The urge to elope and inform them afterwards increased daily as more and more ludicrous details of the event were revealed to us in fleeting glimpses. We were not often consulted with the specifics.

Our traitorous friends were more than happy to pitch in and contribute to the insanity. It was totally out of our control.

As you know, I've never been a fan of ceding control.

oxoxoxoxoxo

"Walter, today I overheard Sylvester saying something about chainmail. Chainmail and breastplates. As in _armor_ …"

Paige flopped down on the end of the bed beside him. She was staring straight ahead looking utterly stupefied.

"Unbelievable," Walter scrubbed a frustrated hand down his face and sighed. "It's my mother. She's always been obsessed with our Celtic heritage."

"I'm all for honoring your heritage and everything, but _armor_? Really?"

"I'm not convinced we actually have any Celts in our ancestry. Even if we do, they were barbarians who drank the blood of their dead relatives in order to obtain their virtues. I'm not sure that's something to brag about. Do you want me to try to reason with her?"

Paige dropped her face into her hands, so her reply was a bit muffled. "Happy is already drawing up the designs. And what good would it do anyway? We've tried to rein them in at least a dozen times. We wanted to draw the line with the doves, remember?"

"You're absolutely right, of course. Technically they aren't even doves at all. They're white pigeons."

"Whichever they are, Sylvester's going to shriek like a banshee when they're released."

"Why not? Banshees are an old Irish myth." Walter said sarcastically.

Paige went on as if he hadn't spoken, "Not to mention the poop factor. Those doves or pigeons or whatever are going to poop everywhere. I'm terrified they'll poop on my on my dress and I'll have to wear it during the entire reception. Or in my hair. Although with the stupid, overblown updo they've picked out for me, it might actually be an improvement."

The happy couple shared a glum look.

"I _know_. They're insisting the reception needs to be held in that monstrosity of a castle's great hall," Walter groused, "I tried talking them out of it on multiple occasions. No luck. My mother says it's the only room large enough for the traditional dance demonstration she has planned. As if we can't live without that particular festive activity?" His expression turned pained. "The castle itself is little more than a tumble-down ruin. Half of the ceiling is missing. What if the other half collapses and takes out our guests?"

Paige smirked. "Would it mean we'd have to return their gifts?"

"No way. If we have to endure this nonsensical wedding, they owe us. Even if the rest of the ceiling doesn't fall in on our heads, I tried to remind my mother that it's been known to rain in Ireland. Frequently. She told me a soft rain can be romantic." Walter shook his head in disbelief.

"There's nothing romantic about catching pneumonia. A hacking cough could ruin the honeymoon."

"You know being cold and wet doesn't cause illnesses, right?" Paige gave him the stink eye, so he hastily added, "But what it could cause is chafing. In places neither of us would appreciate during our honeymoon. Not to mention the risk of someone slipping and falling on wet paving stones."

"Yep. Starting married life with a twisted ankle or fractured wrist wouldn't be ideal either."

For a few minutes they focused on the far wall, each lost in thought.

After a while, Paige said in dismay, "Walter, have you seen what they want the bridesmaids to wear?"

They both shuddered in revulsion.

"Don't worry," Walter replied, trying his best to be comforting, "Happy would never agree to wear a frilly, shamrock green dress with a hoop skirt."

Paige mouth twisted wryly. "I didn't think I'd ever see her in a pink flamingo dress either. But now that image is burned into my retinas forever. Besides, she's made up her mind she's going to be one of your attendants instead. In Celtic Armor. With a broad sword. She's more than thrilled with that idea."

"How did this happen? How did this get so out-of-hand?" Walter asked, his tone defeated.

"Well, when I talked to your mom, she said she and your father wanted to make up for all the mistakes they made when you were a kid. She felt like they'd missed so much of your life. And she said she just wanted to be a part of your big day. How could I say no? Then she told me they would handle all the details and that we should leave everything to her. She was so sincere and so convincing. It sounded great at the time. We're so busy and making arrangements would be even harder with a location wedding…it kinda snowballed from there."

"But why have our friends turned on us? Why are they contributing to the insanity without asking what we want?"

"Toby insists it's only fair since I set up their entire wedding without consulting them."

"You did a fantastic job with theirs. It was tasteful and small."

"It was in a parking lot."

"So, you think this is about revenge?"

"Not really. I think they're all having a good laugh about it." Paige leaned her head against Walter's shoulder and sighed. "You know, I keep reminding myself all the wedding folderol doesn't matter to me. I don't care if they dress me like a unicorn and make me Prancercise down the aisle, as long as it's you waiting for me at that alter. You're my best friend. My lover. My genius parent consultant and a wonderful father to Ralph. And currently the only other even partially sane, non-conniving coworker I've got. I just want to be married to you, that's all."

Touched and amused, Walter chuckled and pressed a smiling kiss to the top of her head. "Would I have to be dressed as a unicorn too? That might be a deal breaker right there."

Paige playfully swatted his arm and he asked her for the umpteenth time, "Tell me why we can't elope again?"

 **P.S. Sean and Louise will be a little OOC in this story because I'm loosely patterning it after the movie 'My Big, Fat Greek Wedding'. If you haven't seen it, in the movie the bride's parents were able to guilt the bride into doing things for her wedding she didn't want to do.**


	4. Chapter 4

MY BIG, FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN: I've had a little more time to write this week, so 2 updates in one week! I know...**

 **Warning: This chapter contains the closest thing to smut that I ever write. If that's not your thing, you may want to skip it.**

 **To everyone else, I hope it spices up your weekend a little. I thought Waige deserved a little fun.**

 **oxoxoxoxoxo**

All the wedding preparations caused many unexpected side effects. Some of them quite a bit more unpleasant than others.

I'd never been what you might call… sexually motivated prior to my relationship with Paige. I could simply switch gears to the cerebral and neglect any inconvenient physical cravings until they subsided. Once the love factor came into play, sex soon became an essential part of our connection.

But for nearly a month before we married, when one of us wasn't worn out from errands and fittings and registering and bridal showers, the other was exhausted from juggling job schedules around the wedding and honeymoon or attempting to make economical travel reservations for way too many people. And both of us were tired from trying to dial back the enthusiasm for making our wedding into an embarrassing spectacle. On the rare occasions our down time coincided, we were constantly surrounded by friends and family.

By the time we left for Ireland, needless to say, I was a _way_ more than little 'pent up'.

oxoxoxoxoxo

His response was humiliatingly instantaneous when he saw her slink stealthily through the louvered doors into his parents' formal dining room. The moonlight shining through his mother's prized bay window cast her in silver. Her legs were smooth, bare perfection under the hem of that skimpy excuse for a nightshirt and his pulse jumped erratically when he imagined those legs wrapped around his waist.

Okay. It was a fact. He was one tightly-wound pervert. She was probably just there to ask him a question about napkin origami or the dinner menu or something else he couldn't care less about.

What he _did_ care about was the warm armful of temptation sneaking quietly across the room to him as he lay wide awake in his sleeping bag.

The house was crowded from attic to basement with relatives he barely remembered. Most of them, he was sure, never liked him in the first place. His mother insisted they all stay at the O'Brien house to save the expense of a hotel room. Which was terribly considerate of her since she'd been spending Walter's money for over six weeks on a fancy location wedding he didn't want. The point was, the only room he didn't have to share with some distant cousin or random uncle by marriage, was the formal dining room. Of course, he had to sleep on the floor, but it was a small sacrifice for the illusion of privacy.

As his eyes stole over the shadowy figure of his fiancée, his brain drank in the details. Damn it. She was stunning. How was he expected to control himself?

One more night. Then they would be married. Next stop, the honeymoon. Walter was convinced, once he got Paige all to himself, they probably wouldn't come up for air for a whole week.

He shifted uncomfortably. This was going to be the looooongest twenty-four hours of his life.

Paige crouched beside him and lifted one corner of the sleeping bag. She slid in next to him letting her body glide along his. Was she teasing him on purpose?

Walter wasn't sure he would survive this. Whatever _this_ was.

She turned on her side toward him and whispered, "Hi."

He mirrored her by turning on his side facing her. "Hello," he whispered back.

"I've missed you," she said with a flirtatious gleam in her eye. Paige bit her lip.

Walter's brain short-circuited. "Uh…"

Of their own accord, his arms snaked around her waist, pulling her flush against his body. He buried his face in her hair and his lips expertly found the sensitive spot on her neck knowing it would cause Paige's toes to curl into the silky fabric of the sleeping bag they were now sharing. Her fingernails raked softly through his hair.

"Wal- _ter_ ," she purred in his ear before drawing the lobe into her mouth and sucking lightly.

He growled in answer before taking her mouth in a searing kiss. When one of his hands started caressing the curve of her backside over her night shirt, she squeaked into his mouth and grabbed the wandering appendage, pulling it up to the small of her back.

"We _can't_ ," she whined against his lips.

She pulled back slightly and made a pained face that would've been comical if he wasn't so frustrated as well. "There's only an obstructed view," he coaxed, "No one's going to look in here."

He kissed her again before she could object, letting his hand stroke her side, hitching her shirt up higher on one silken thigh. She draped her leg over his hip and pressed against him, making them both gasp.

"We gotta… s-stop," Paige sputtered even as a clever hand stole under his t-shirt to touch his heated skin. The sleeping bag was quickly becoming a sauna.

Walter couldn't help it, he begged, "Please?" He nuzzled her shirt to the side with his nose and nibbled softly on her shoulder as his free hand got ever bolder. He let it brush over the front of her shirt and his fingers bumped, one at a time, over the protruding little nub he discovered there, eliciting a low hum from Paige's throat.

"Oh, Walter," She breathed, "I want you. I _do_. But it's not possible. We'd have to be very quiet. We couldn't take off any clothes. We couldn't get in any obvious positions. And we'd have to stay under the covers just in case anyone walked in."

He felt a roguish grin spread across his face. He could work within those parameters. "Scorpion specializes in making the impossible possible."

Paige's eyes widened and she giggled. That little giggle sent a sizzle of lust straight through him. "I did _not_ want you to see that as a challenge, mister." Her answering smile told him she was game, however.

"The noise of the video games in the living room where the kids are bunked down should muffle all but the loudest sounds of pleasure well enough. Believe me, the volume of those games was one factor keeping me awake. Let's see… what were the other requirements? No obvious positions? So, no one on top, then. And that rules out oral sex too. Any intruder would figure out exactly what I was doing if my head was between your legs. Plus, since we have to stay covered, I might suffocate before I could bring you to a satisfactory climax. Not to mention the fact, you have a difficult time staying quiet if my mouth is on you." He winked, enjoying this discussion and the visions it evoked immensely even as she slapped at him playfully. "We can easily work around the clothes issue since neither of us is wearing much… Do you trust me?"

"No," Paige replied, but her expression told him a different story as well as her naughty hand, which had begun to fondle his bottom. He nudged against her. It almost made him go cross-eyed when he felt her damp heat. She emitted a strangled whimper. "But I'm desperate enough to try pretty much anything right about now."

"Turn so your back is to my front."

She wiggled around, purposely brushing against him in a provocative way. "Let's get this party started," Paige urged, smiling seductively over her shoulder.

oxoxoxoxoxo

We made it work. And work. And work some more just before the sun came up on our wedding day.


	5. Chapter 5

MY BIG FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN: I'm still here! This story sort of took a back burner, but I fully intend to finish it if there's enough interest. You'll have to let me know.**

 **oxoxoxoxoxo**

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I begged.

My argument was a sound one. After all, there was no reason everyone _else_ couldn't enjoy the big, horrendous party they'd planned for us. I was positive even Sylvester would have a difficult time citing a law that states the guests of honor are required attend their own wedding. The others could celebrate without us and Paige and I could have the simple, blissfully quiet courthouse wedding we wanted and skip straight to the honeymoon. Win-win. Right?

It did absolutely no good.

Paige insisted we couldn't elope and we needed to face the horror of our wedding as a united force.

I guess she had a fair point. Perhaps by getting the 'worse' out of the way early, we could learn to appreciate it more when we got to the 'better'. Besides, I was no longer an Irish citizen, so a quick and clean legal ceremony was out of the question.

That morning she left me sleepy, tousled and satisfied, kissing me softly and promising I'd see her soon. She also assured me we would both survive the impending ordeal together. I clutched at her hands trying to pull her back to me but after another lingering kiss, she stole away to don her armor for the upcoming battle.

As I stared out the dining room window at the thick, grey clouds weeping their cold drizzle all over my father's garden, I seriously contemplated faking my own death to escape like Sylvester had done in prison that one time. If only I'd had access to the same cocktail of drugs…

No such luck.

oxoxoxoxoxo

In Walter's opinion, his wedding day preparations resembled a bizarre, poorly choreographed dance with his mother acting as the maestro of the whole out-of-sync ensemble. People he didn't recognize rushed back and forth bearing food and flowers and wedding finery and decorations as Louise called instructions and waived her invisible baton directing the flow of traffic.

Fortunately, the bridegroom was all but forgotten, standing on the periphery of the cyclone without getting sucked in.

 _Unfortunately_ however, the bride was whisked away early in the day to be taken to a hairdresser, manicurist and masseuse all in an effort to keep the happy couple from seeing one another before the wedding.

Every time someone would mention that asinine superstition, Walter had to bite the inside of his cheek so as not to draw attention to himself by pointing out how he and Paige had already spent the wee hours of the morning in each other's company doing what most of his elders thought should be reserved for the wedding night. He hid those thoughts behind a superior smirk, happy to be ignored and gladly continuing to read quietly in the study for a few stolen moments.

His father ducked into the office sometime in the mid-afternoon, destroying the flimsy illusion of calm. Sean's expression was indefinable, but that fact wasn't all that unusual in and of itself. The man had rarely shown identifiable emotions, other than impatience or anger, around Walter when he was a child. But if the genius had to guess, he would've said Sean was uncomfortable or agitated and attempting to hide it behind the stiff grimace he was trying to pass off as a smile.

"Hello, son." He cleared his throat and rubbed at the back of his neck as red crept slowly up from his collar. "Er, could we talk for a minute?"

Ah, crap.

"Okay." Shutting his finger in his book so he wouldn't lose his place, Walter nodded. He looked up at his father, his disquiet growing. The genius didn't think he'd offended anyone recently, but he could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. For the sake of peace on this day of all days, he decided he _must_ take the high road this time and refuse to respond negatively to his father's criticisms.

"So… So, uh, you and Paige are getting married… in a few hours. And-and that's-that's great, of course. Right? You're still happy about it?" Sean slunk marginally closer but was steadily going redder in the face and looking like he wanted to leap out the window or sink through the floor.

"Yes. I'm very happy… About it. All of it." Now he was thoroughly confused. Was his dad trying to make sure he didn't leave Paige at the alter or something?

Sean swallowed while his eyes wheeled around the room, briefly settling everywhere but on his son's. "You do realize there are certain… expectations of- of a husband. Don't you?"

"Yes. I may be a work in progress, but my EQ has improved substantially. And I will continue to learn with Paige's help. She has already helped me so much. We are much better at communicating than we used to be too…"

"That's not what I meant…" his father interrupted, "I'm talking about…physically… in-in the bedroom…" he finished speaking so softly, Walter couldn't quite pick it up.

"What?"

"That's right. I'm sure you've read all about... sex? Like in a science book or something? But there's lots more to it than that, son."

What the…

Walter was shocked utterly speechless. He was frozen in horror and humiliation while his father faltered through a mortifying description of what exactly 'more' entailed using euphemisms for body parts and positions even a man with a 197 IQ had a tough time following. It was probably a lucky thing or he might've shriveled up and died on the spot. Or never had sex again.

When he recovered his power of speech, he squeezed his eyes shut and held up a hand to halt 'the talk' he had never gotten as a teen. "Stop. Dad, please stop."

"I know it sounds strange, but you really need to know what's going on…," Sean insisted.

"I'm thirty-five, not thirteen. And rest assured, Paige and I've mastered all the...'more' we needed to. Years ago."

Sean scrubbed a hand down his sweating face, blowing out a relieved breath. "Why didn't you stop me sooner? Listen, don't tell your mother you've... had experience, okay?"

Walter made a disgusted face. As if he ever would? He gave one short nod. It was, by far, the easiest promise he'd ever made.

"It's just... you never liked being touched. You know? And we figured you'd never been serious with anyone before… It's not like you were Casanova in secondary school or anything..."

"Who's Casanova?"

"Never mind. Forget I ever said anything. And that I was ever here. Sorry to disturb your…" Waving vaguely at the book in Walter's lap, Sean's words trailed off. After a moment's hesitation, he darted across the room, bolted out the door and disappeared.

Leaving Walter very disturbed indeed.


	6. Chapter 6

MY BIG, FAT GEEK WEDDING

 **AN: FINALLY! So sorry about the delay. But here's the wrap on the whole wedding fiasco. Thanks for reading! Please review too!**

 **oxoxoxoxoxo**

It wasn't a total three-ring circus.

Only two rings were technically involved.

Regardless, we got the desired result. As in science, it's all about the eventual outcome. Oh, and we got lots of excellent pictures to use for extortion at a later date.

oxoxoxoxoxo

"Cheer up! You act like you're facing a firing squad instead of the woman of your dreams, 197." Toby gave Walter a bracing swat on the back.

"I feel ridiculous. I don't like feeling ridiculous." Walter's answer was quiet, but his sour expression spoke volumes. For some incomprehensible reason, his mother thought it would be 'romantic' for him to wear the same tuxedo his father wore for his parents' wedding in all of its 1970's polyester, powder blue and ruffled glory.

"Hey, the suit's not _so_ bad," Sylvester lied. Then digging around for something positive to say about it, he added, "It's… um, it's-it's retro chic?"

"More like _metro-sexual_ ," Toby quipped flicking one of the frills and grinning wickedly. "You should've picked that curly hair out into a nice 'fro. It woulda matched beautifully. Then we coulda played 'Saturday Night Fever' at the reception."

"But I'm perfectly well and it's a Friday." Walter looked at the shrink like he was crazy before the din emanating from across the room caught his attention.

The groom fixed Happy and Ralph with a gimlet-eyed stare. It went unnoticed as they continued to play at sword fighting, the clanging of the blades and the creaking of their armor grating on Walter's already taut nerves.

Cabe clanked over. "Hey, at least you won't need a can opener to get yourself out of that get-up. It was hell getting into this thing."

"I know," Sly lamented, "What's worse is, I had a double Dr. Shaz earlier and I now really have to pee."

Toby shook his head and shoved at the younger man's shoulder. "Don't get any bright ideas like you did with that spacesuit. You might rust."

There was a momentary lapse in the sword battle when Happy advised, "And whatever you do, don't anyone fart during the ceremony. These suckers aren't well ventilated. Plus it'll probably echo."

They all looked over at 'Sir' Cabe who shrugged while all the other, less mature, attendants snickered.

Louise chose that moment to stick her head in the door. Luckily, they were all decent. Her dark eyes scanned the 'knights' until she found her favored one.

"Ah, there's my boy! Don't you look so handsome?" She gushed, clasping her hands beneath her chin in delight.

"Thank you, Mother," Walter answered, surprised by the compliment but a bit flattered all the same.

She continued talking over his response, totally ignoring him. "If only Megan were alive to see you. You look so chivalrous, Sylvester. I couldn't be more proud."

His younger brother beamed under the praise while Walter caught on and shot his mother a withering look.

Louise switched her focus to the groom. "Oh, son, you look fine too. It'd be a real treat if you'd wipe that frown off of your face and smile for once though. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, don't you know? Are you ready?"

Yes, he was ready. It took years and many fits and starts, but he was finally ready. Largely thanks to the woman he was about to marry.

Who cared about the stupid costumes, the crumbling castle, the over-the-top decorations or the prodigous number of guests, many of whom were only there either for the free dinner and the booze or to see him fall on his face. He was ready for his life with Paige to begin in earnest. To look her in the eyes and vow fidelity and loyalty and forever. And to start that forever right away.

Walter O'Brien had already won. Now he was more than ready to make it official.

In spite of his grandiose thoughts, his knees wobbled a little when he walked into that leaky, moldy castle, his armored entourage of attendants clanking awkwardly behind him. For some reason, it settled him a little to see Ray standing proudly behind the podium in a matching powder blue tux, no less. Ray had married all the Scorpion couples. It was one tradition Walter was adamant must be upheld.

Ray gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up. "Didn't I tell ya? You and Prudy. I called it, didn't I? I'm a little clair-voyeur-ant." He tapped his temple. "Mom's psychotic. Dad's tele-pathetic. It runs in my genes."

"Like diarrhea," Toby elbowed his wife causing a dull bong sound. They shared a knowing smirk and nodded.

The five groomsm… people of the impending apocalypse lined up and took their positions when the opening refrain of Pachelbel's Canon in D played.

Walter turned and faced the crowd of people for the first time and felt the heat creep slowly up his face. His stomach squirmed like he'd swallowed a live viper.

This was it.

He was going to pledge his life to Paige. In front of all these people. In this gawd-awful ugly suit.

What if he screwed it up?

Walter watched as the bridemaids floated down the aisle in their garish, overly-frilly, Kelly green dresses. Most of them he didn't recognize. They were borrowed neighbors and cousins he didn't know or care to remember. It seemed like it took forever.

What if Paige changed her mind?

His eyes were riveted on the back of the room as bridesmaid after bridesmaid lined up on the stage. Where _was_ she?

Uh, oh. What if she left him at the alter?

By the time her maid of honor was half way up the aisle, Walter was ready to run down the aisle to the back of the room and search for her, dragging her up to stand beside him, beg her to be with him if that's what it took. This piece of music was interminable. People were staring.

What if she didn't show up?

In the midst of his panicked thoughts, the piped-in pipe organ music played the opening bars from the Bridal Chorus and Walter's heart stopped as the crowd stood and turned to look.

What if she wasn't there?

Then, like a sunbeam piercing through the dark, menacing storm clouds in his mind, she suddenly appeared, framed in the doorway and smiling softly. At him. Only for him. The Bridal Chorus might've been playing, but he heard nothing but 'Ode to Joy' as his heart soared. He felt an answering smile spread across his own face.

Look at that. Walter Patrick O'Brien got to marry the most beautiful woman in the world. His best friend. His confidante. His lover. His whole world. She was his home. His comfort. And he suddenly couldn't _wait_ to be married to her.

And there was their son, calmly walking beside his mother, her hand tucked into his elbow. He was taller than her now and he was looking, instead of absurd, stately and rather grown-up in his shiny new armor. Walter understood the phrase 'pride and joy' perfectly in that instant. Best of all, the boy appeared gloriously happy. This day was as much Ralph's as anyone's. He'd waited and hoped for so long.

The rest of the service was kind of a blur. They managed to make the standard promises to one another, choosing the traditional vows over writing their own. They also managed to locate the rings and put them on the correct hands. Even though Walter had accidentally tried Paige's _right_ hand first, she'd gently fixed his goof. She was in the habit of fixing his faux pas, after all.

The tears gathered in her eyes when he'd boldly said 'I will'. He hoped it was because she was happy about his whispered, 'Always', meant only for her ears.

They kissed pretty ardently after that despite the roomful of relatives and Ralph who brought laughter when he said, "Gross." When they came up for air, they were both flushed and her veil was listing precariously sideways.

Ray introduced them as husband and wife. His Scorpion family, the one that mattered, cheered and whistled, jumping up and down noisily in their armor.

After that, there was food and wine and speeches, but all of it tumbled around Walter like white noise, as if he was in the eye of a cyclone. Unable to take it in, he only had eyes for his lovely bride, stunning in white even with all the ornate lace and flounces.

When they danced their spotlight dance, a hush fell over the whole room. It was a perfect, crystalline moment frozen in time as if no one else existed in the whole world apart from the two of them.

Reality in the form of drunken cousins singing loudly and Thomas and Connor making ribald jokes at the newlyweds expense and a sudden downpour breaking through the tarps covering the half-missing ceiling of the Great Hall, drenching the whole bridal party soon encroached.

Oh, well. Nothing is perfect. And the happy couple collected more funny stories to tell the grandchildren someday.

Walter didn't ask for perfect. He wanted his wife and the family they'd built just exactly the way they were.


End file.
